Chasing the Sun

I brought this little horse into my life with so many grand plans.

When we started, I had a reserved horse who didn't seem to have a whole lot of faith in his human counterparts. I can't believe how quickly it came, but we built a bond stronger than I could have imagined in a very short period of time. I was greeted with a nicker as I walked up to the fence this morning (which is something he has not done since the day I brought him home). His eyes were soft, his ears were pricked, and when I went to get him, he lowered his head into the halter. I stood with him for an hour or so before the vet came, running my hands over his coat and scratching all his favorite itchy places. I sat in the aisle in front of him, and he did his best to get as close to me as possible. He alternated between nosing the ground for any lost crumbs from the granola bars I was feeding him, resting his muzzle in my lap as I rubbed his head and ears, and wiggling his top lip all over my head and face, pausing only to prick his ears at the sound of my laughter. His sense of humor never failed to delight me and his slow transformation into this lovey, mush of a horse was one of the most rewarding things I have ever experienced.

When we started, I was sure that we had a bright riding future ahead of us. Trail rides and hunter paces and swimming in the river and bareback strolls down the road and beach rides and maybe even some CTR if the opportunity presented itself. It only took a second to bring that crashing down around my feet...but it also only took a second to turn that around and fully enjoy our relationship for what it was. I took a lot of pleasure in simply turning him out on the lawn and letting him graze, watching him happily stuffing his face with as much grass as he could get. I spent more time scratching his itchy places to get happy pony faces out of him. I allowed him to get away with things that I wouldn't have ever allowed otherwise (he loved to rub his head on my hip, for example, and thats usually grounds for a quick reprimand). He made me laugh with his sense of humor and his patented head tilt. He made me love him more when he sighed heavily and leaned his head into my chest, just because. He made me become a better horsewoman and animal owner by forcing me to think outside of the box during this last month to make sure we could still enjoy our time together.

When we started, I was still a little broken from losing GP. I still miss my old man horse, but Image's quiet and consistent presence in my life helped me repair the last few cracks. Those cracks will always be visible, as things that get repaired are never truly the same, but that's okay. Those cracks have knitted enough to where they no longer cause the same acute pain they once did. I know now there are a few more that will take time to heal. It won't be today, and it won't be tomorrow, but in time, those cracks will fuse too, and I will be stronger for it all.

When we started, I hadn't ever fathomed that the end to our story was going to come so quickly. But, life is life and here we are. I held his grain bucket in my lap last night while he ate, my forehead pressed against his, tears streaming down my face, trying to commit his scent to memory as best I could. I took him down to the field to let him graze, and laughed my head off when he flagged his tail and let out the biggest buck I've ever seen when he realized he was "free" (on the end of a lunge line). His glee was glorious and heartbreaking in the same breath. My beautiful, wonderful little black horse whose body had betrayed him...the indignity of it all was stifling.

Love Me In Focus, aka Image, a 2001 Tennessee Walking Horse gelding, was laid to rest peacefully at 10 AM this morning. He was told over and over again just how much he is loved, by so many people on this planet. I was in his eyeline until his very last breath. It is one of the most heartbreaking things I have ever done, and for those that know me, my list of "heartbreaking things" is longer than it should be. I miss him so much already, and it makes my breath catch in my throat when I realize I won't go to the barn tomorrow and see him. Just as I wasn't prepared for life without my crazy red horse, I'm not prepared for life without my silly little black horse either.

The lessons learned here could fill an entire book. The most important one that I can pinpoint right now, amid heartache and tears and the fog of exhaustion, is to never, ever regret a decision that brings happiness into your life. Our story was so short, but in all of my sadness, none of it stems from regretting bringing him home. I was so scared that I was going to fail this horse in one way or another that it never occurred to me that something completely out of my control would separate us. I am so, so, so happy I put aside all of my reservations and became his person. Instead of paying attention to the clouds of doubt and insecurity, I chose to chase after the sun that hid behind all the negativity. There is no getting around the fact that the way things have gone sucks. That's the simple, ineloquent truth. However, the sum of all of the parts is so much more beautiful than the epilogue.

I got to own an incredible horse who brightened up my life. I shared my heart with him, and, I hope, he shared his with me. That, in itself, is amazing.

Rest easy, my sweet, silly little black horse. Here's to chasing the sun.

"You said, remember that life is

not meant to be wasted,

We can always be chasing the sun.

So fill up your lungs

and just run,

But always be chasing the sun."

Chasing the Sun, Sara Bareilles

'Cause I have sent for a warrior,
 
From on my knees, make me a Hercules.
I was meant to be a warrior, please 
Make me a Hercules...

Busy, Hot, and Summer Colds

Last Saturday was such a blast. I honestly wasn't expecting to have so much fun being in front of the camera instead of behind it. I was a bit nervous all morning during my last minute errands -- I had to run to Dover Wellesley (coughandSmartPakcough...I live 10 minutes from the SmartPak retail store and 15 minutes from Dover Wellesley...yeah, I've got it good when it comes to tack shops!) and pop in at a family gathering before heading north to the barn. I got there and two of my coworkers, L (who has been mentioned here quite a few times) and M had showed up to be ground grew. M is another coworker (actually, my neighbor to the right!) who only recently joined our little department of 5. She is funny, kind, and quick with her comebacks. She reminds me very much of all the good parts of my mother, so we get along well! She was a hairdresser when she was younger, so she offered to come fix my hair for the shoot. I gratefully accepted her offer, because my idea of "getting my hair done" is getting the split ends cut off!

I pulled Image into the barn and was pleased to see his "special" suit (many people deemed it his SuperSuit, a la The Incredibles!) had done its job. He seemed a little sad when I took the hood off...I have a strange critter! I made sure everything was clean and brushed out, and gave his toes a quick sweep with some hoof polish. I haven't ever used real hoof polish before, so I wasn't prepared for how much it was like human nail polish! I had just purchased the bottle at Dover that morning, and it quickly went from me, all the way down the line to Barn Owner L to try and get the blasted thing open. Well, M must have loosened it just enough...because when Barn Owner L put all her might into twisting off the top, it kind of went...well, it went everywhere. M's toes got bathed in it and L wore it all over her hands. Oops! I took the bottle back and immediately had it all over my hands as well. I quickly painted Image's toesies, and went to wash off the polish...hah. Hahahaha. Yeah, that didn't work so well. Fortunately, my hands were not super visible in most of the pictures!

Once Image was squared away, M dragged the mounting block into the aisle, plunked it in front of Image, and motioned for me to sit. I had wrestled (yes, wrestled...it was SO hot that undressing and redressing should've been considered an Olympic sport!) into my top at that point, and looked a little silly. I had this gorgeous, flowy top on...and a pair of black Danskin shorts. Snork!

Image was immediately concerned with what M was doing with the stuff on top of my head. He blinked a few times, and reached out towards me. I batted at his nose. He was only discouraged for a moment -- before I knew it, he was inspecting my face with his muzzle and twitching his upper lip on my head. M waved at him reproachfully, as he was jeopardizing her braid work. He persisted. L eventually got up and shortened the cross ties, much to Image's chagrin. He had us all laughing, the goober!

"I can help!!"

The shoot itself was a lot less nerve wracking than I thought it was going to be. I wasn't worried about my horse looking cute...because seriously, have you seen him?! I also wasn't worried about Kate doing her job, because she is fabulous at it. I was worried about ME! I'm not the most photogenic creature. I tend to make weird faces and hold really awkward, stiff poses. However, Barn Owner L followed us down to the small, unmowed side yard that a neighbor graciously allowed us to use, and proceeded to prance through the grass like a gazelle to hold Image's attention. I found this highly entertaining...so, with my attention on L's shenanigans, I looked much less tense and like I was actually having fun! I WAS actually having fun, so it worked out well.

I was still pretty jazzed up, and Image was certainly feeding off of that. He'll stand stock still all day long for the most part, but he was a wiggly, fidgety mess. I'm sure having a field of grass under his face didn't help, on top of the dreaded bit being in his mouth. I eventually switched him over to his rope halter to make him happier. Goofy horse!

I still can't pick a favorite!

I am so thrilled with the pictures themselves that I have a hard time picking a favorite. Kate got them back to me, and I sat at my computer with tears running down my face. She captured exactly what I was looking for: the bond between the two of us, that grew very quickly and was much stronger than I could have ever imagined. I am so, so, SO glad that I did this, despite the fact that it was a million degrees out that day and

He and I have both been heat wusses this past week. I've been up to the barn more often than I expected to be, as L needed some help feeding. That, obviously, meant lots of hose time for the both of us. He stood there with his ears flopped out to the side with the water running off of his face. It sucks being a black horse in this weather!

I had picked up a bag of Brittany's Bran Mash at Dover last weekend and decided a hot day was a good day for a soupy mash treat. Image stood, untied in the aisle, his head stuffed in the bucket without any indication of coming up for air. He was blissfully happy and made sure he was wearing a good amount of it as well as ingesting it!

Of course, Annie the Goat thought she should have some too. Image loves his Annie, so this happened:

Goofy critters! They couldn't really stuff both their heads in there at once, so Image would take a mouthful and let Annie have some...and then nudge her out of the way so he could have some more. He was so gentle with her, even when she protested by headbutting his nose (I admit, I nearly fell over laughing when that happened!).

I'm back up in northern MA house sitting now, so I get to see him as much as I want. I am fighting an annoying summer cold (I tend to get sick when I'm stressed...ugh!) and I sound kind of terrible. I spent most of Saturday asleep, between tending to my first charge of the weekend (an adorable, tenacious Corgi by the name of Cooper) and moving on to my second house (three horses, two dogs, and a few kitties). Sunday, though, I went out to the barn to meet up with K, a coworker of mine who wanted to meet Image. I didn't think anything of it as I "led" him from paddock to barn. I have a lead rope with me, but I hardly ever use it these days. Image quietly follows me, his nose at my shoulder, and sets himself up on the cross ties when I ask. K, on the other hand, thought that it was adorable that he ignored grass and all other temptations to stay by my side. I doubt it's anything more than good manners, but it made me feel good to know that someone else got to see just how lovely he is.

I know Friday is going to approach quicker than I want. I still have so much to sort out in my own head about the entire situation. I'm honestly unsure how, exactly, I'm going to handle things on Friday. I haven't ever done this before. I know, at the very least, I'll keep it together until after he's gone. The rest of it, though? I don't know. I feel like I'm "prepared"...but can you ever truly prepare for something like this? I'm not sure.

So. I'm just going to stop thinking about it and enjoy the next few days as much as I can, even if it's just like today and all I did was stand in the paddock with him and rub his forehead until he dozes off.

Isn't She Lucky?

That's what I imagine every person on the planet is saying when they see these pictures.

Only someone with a lot of luck would be blessed with such an amazing horse.

Then when they find out how many amazing people I have to support me and how much love I have in my life?

Well, they must think I'm the luckiest person in the world.

I sure as hell do.

Playing Model

Friday Entertainment

Image got a Bath today. Not a bath...a capital "b" Bath. I don't think he's ever been so clean in his entire life. I've never scrubbed a horse so much in my entire life! He was caked in mud (unlike him; he's usually pretty clean!) after all the rain we've had, so it took two good scrubbings to really get all the dirt out of his coat. Then, of course, I concentrated on his mane and tail. Mr. Stinkerpants has managed to rub a chunk of his mane out on something (grumble), but hopefully it won't be too noticeable. Once I had rinsed all the suds out, I attacked him with coat conditioner and mane and tail detangler. Then, it was into the barn to drip dry for a little while. He happily hung out with me, occasionally snuffling me for cookies or plunking his head in my lap for cuddles and scratches, while he dried off. At one point, he smushed his nose into the crook of my neck and wiggled his top lip around. It tickled like crazy and I'm not sure what he was after, but he kept it up for a good minute or so while I giggled and batted at him. Every time I pushed his nose away, he'd smush it right back in there. He was so reserved when I first brought him home that it's still surprises me sometimes that he's turned into such a lovey mush of a horse!

This is what Image thinks of the whole process, apparently.

It wasn't long until he had dried enough for me to be comfortable to initiate my plan for keeping him clean overnight. I have some errands to run tomorrow morning and a family get together to pop in to, so I really didn't have time to give him the bath I wanted him to have tomorrow before the shoot. So, I asked my friends at work (it is lovely to work for a tack company!) for a sleazy hoodie and sheet. This is what I ended up with:

He was posing!

Tears of laughter. My poor, sweet, TOLERANT horse...he is so, so good to me. I fumbled with the hood so much and he stood there in the aisle, his head down so I could mess with things, without a halter on. When I finally got everything in place, I laughed so hard I cried. He stood there with his ears forward, looking at me with a proud expression. I had to sit down to catch my breath.

"Stop laughing and give me cookies!"

I hadn't seen him much this week, so today was a much needed few hours of playtime. It's funny, because during the week when I'm busy, I think of him constantly but it's "dulled", for lack of a better way to put. Then I spend time with him, and my heart just sings because he is funny, lovable, tolerant (oh, so tolerant), willing and smart. He stuffs his head against my chest and heaves this big, blustery sigh: "Oh, I'm so glad to see you. Wait until you hear about my week!"

Today also brought the first real pang of anxiety I've had so far for the approaching date. I've been a little numb up until now, but laughing and playing with him today (and really, we were playing more than anything else!) made me realize just how much I'm going to miss him. We didn't get to have the adventures together that I had hoped, but honestly, it makes me happy to just be with him. Just a year ago, I was sure that I wasn't ever going to be able to love a horse again, so to be so "at home" in his presence is still a bit of a wonder to me. Now that this is real, the finality of it is looming over my head and I'm not sure how the following days will unfold for me. This is all new, unexplored territory so I am taking each emotion as it comes and allowing myself to do what I need to do to deal with it. GP was not legally my horse, and the decision to let him go was not mine to make. I was also not present for the actual deed, as I couldn't handle it. This will be a very different experience and the uncertainties are daunting, on top of the actual heartache of knowing this huge ray of sunshine in my life is going to no longer be there.

I'm excited for tomorrow, so I'm just going to focus on that right now...time for a little Castle therapy and bed!

Strike a Pose

I've spent the past week getting myself reacclimated to life at home. I have a small "side business" of house sitting/critter sitting. It's fun and makes me a little extra money to stash away for a rainy day. This summer has been insanely busy. I've barely been home! I finally got to crawl back into my own bed (which was glorious, except now I have to clean my bedroom after ignoring it for two weeks!) and didn't have to do stalls in the searing heat in the AM. I miss the snuggly critters, but it was nice to sleep a little later! :)

Image is status quo at this point. He has not gotten any worse, and obviously not gotten any better. With everything that's going on, I have opted not to trailer him out to my friend's house for this weekend's photoshoot with Kate Taylor of Polar Square Designs. Kate and I have been friends for quite some time now...I honestly can't remember when we "met" via another blogging platform. I know I was still in high school, anyway! She is one of my favorite people on the planet and she's got more talent in her pinky finger than most of us have in our whole bodies. I'm excited and terrified to be on the other side of the camera. I'm used to being the one calling the shots from behind the lens, so I am going to have to do my best to not micromanage poor Kate (who is far more experienced than I am anyway!) and not have a slight panic attack at having the camera on me! Luckily, Image is cuter and should be the main focus in any picture, so that will be my saving grace.

As long as there's one shot where I don't look quite this goofy, I'll be happy!

Pony will get (another) spa day tomorrow. Spoiled pony is spoiled. ;)

Let the Rain Come Down

It's not raining anymore...at least, not outside of my own head. Inside, however, is muggy and rainy. My senses feel dull and my mind sluggish, as if I'm perpetually coming out of a drug induced sleep.

Due to the holiday, my very kind supervisor "kicked" my coworker and I out at about 1 on Friday. I chatted with Dr. McGee all the way to the barn. I played phone tag with Dr. McGee a bit this week and when I was finally able to talk to him, he concurred that outside of drastic, expensive testing that wouldn't yield a 100% diagnosis anyway, this was the best option. Having the vet on board was what finally settled this into reality in my own mind, if it wasn't already real enough. It weighed me down enough for me to brave the heat and proceeded to give Image a bath, simply because I needed to be with him. Okay, maybe it was partly an excuse to play with the hose because holy crap was it hot! He stood there and allowed the water to cascade over him...and even went as far to stuff his face in the hose. The water poured over his face and he stood there, ears flopped out to the side, eyes closed with pleasure. It was painfully adorable.

When I brought him into the barn to dry him off and get some coat polish on him (which, I noted sadly, I could put over his saddle area now because there would be no saddle on his back ever again). While he was drying, I sat down in front of him on the mounting block that I had dragged in for that exact purpose. We were together like this for quite some time, his hind leg resting and lower lip drooping. me occasionally reaching up to rub his nose. It's probably dangerous (or, more dangerous than usual, anyway) to be sitting in front of a neuro horse, but I've stopped caring at this point. At one point, he dropped his head down and snuffled my face. I batted at his nose because I wasn't prepared for the sudden surprise and whoosh of air. He lifted muzzle from my face, and then plunked it on top of my head, his upper lip wiggling around furiously, mussing up my hair. I giggled, as this was pre-muzzle clipping, so it tickled. He paused at my laughter, and I took that moment to lean back and look up at him. His ears were pricked and his eyes were soft. I kissed his muzzle and he lipped my nose in response. It was a moment I won't soon forget.

Munching grass after his bath.

Saturday, B and her husband came out to see us. It was a bittersweet visit. I adore B and K, because our thought processes seem to match up relatively well when it comes to horse ownership and management. B, only having my words and blog posts to go off of, needed to see Image for herself. I don't blame her. I would have done the exact same thing. I picked this horse up six months ago with a careful clause of "he's got issues", not "he's a ticking timebomb".  I'm certain that they had no idea that Image's physical health was questionable, so this was as big a shock to them as it was to me. Granted, I had an idea that *something* was up...but never, ever expected to be in the position I am today.

Image clearly remembered B -- although, it may have been the ginger snaps she was holding! He was quiet -- borderline subdued, which is not like him either -- as we stood in the barn and talked. I explained everything I could about what the vets had said and what I had been seeing...and, thankfully (which sounds weird, but I was nervous that he wouldn't have shown them any of his symptoms at all!), they quickly noticed the disconnect between his front and hind end. The two of them had come, I think, hopeful that they would find something that would be able to take us down a different path...hell, part of me was hopeful that they would point out something that I miraculously hadn't seen. It was both comforting (because it means I've exhausted every possible avenue) and disheartening (because now this is REAL) to have B turn to me and say that I was making the right choice. I could hear the sadness in her voice and saw it in her eyes. This was not what either of us wanted for this wonderful little horse.

I know I'm doing the right thing. It doesn't make it any less painful. I know he's not well, and is just going to get worse. It doesn't make me any less sad and angry at the loss of our future together. However, I try not to dwell on any of that and just live in the moment for now.

I will continue blogging, I think, once he's crossed the Rainbow Bridge. I don't plan on being horseless again for so long. It feels completely wrong to be doing so, but I am already putting out feelers to try and find my next partner. I need SOMETHING to focus on, to keep my head above water.

So, let that rain come down, for it'll make a brand new ground:

Endings Mean New Beginnings

I don't have eloquent words for this. I apologize in advance.

After much thought and a lot of alcohol (I don't handle these things as well as I probably should), I have made the decision to let my sweet, funny, smart and willing little black horse go before he gets stuck in a body that doesn't respond the way he wants it to.

I did not make this decision lightly. I am not making it because I feel I have no other options. I am making this decision because it is the most logical one for all involved parties. Image has neurological disabilities -- ones that have presented themselves in very small ways that now make sense -- that are dangerous to himself, his herd mates, and the people that handle him on a regular basis. I don't want anyone else getting hurt, and I especially don't want him injuring himself in any way.

My heart aches. The temperamental, reactive side of me is pitching a fit over just how unfair life can be. I am angry at the fact that we won't get to explore a future together, one that was shaping up to be very promising and full of fun adventures for both of us. I'm even more angry that this has happened to such a wonderful critter, who has just had the shittiest hand dealt to him far too much in his short life. It seems like he was just figuring out that people were okay again, between myself and B being people he could trust...and now this? It's just. not. fair.

However, the logical, rational (er, mostly rational) side of me knows this is the kindest thing I can do. The past six months have been amazing. I've learned a great deal about myself and about horses in a very short period of time. Our story will be short, but it is rich with love and adventure. I don't regret a single second spent with him, or taking a the plunge into horse ownership.

Neither of our separate stories are ending here, either. I don't have a specific set of spiritual/religious beliefs, but I'm pretty sure all that energy has to go somewhere. So, Image will go and romp, pain and worry free, with GP over the Rainbow Bridge. Hopefully he'll get to say hello to my mother, father, and grandparents as well. As for mine? I think both Image and GP would come down a give me a double barrel kick if I didn't pursue another horse. Not right away, unless something falls into my lap...but being critterless all around just doesn't work for me. I have to believe that with every ending, there's a new beginning waiting to be discovered.

So. That's that, I suppose. The tentative date as of right now is July 26th. I'll spend the next month spoiling him, snuggling him, having a session in front of the camera with him, and making sure he knows he's adored.

I don't know what's going to happen next. I'm not up to thinking about that. I'm just going to enjoy things in the moment and love this silly black horse with everything I've got.

Lameness Workup...Except, Not

Yeah.

Today was Not Fun. At all.

I got to work today a quiet mess. My worst fear when I left the office today to head to the barn? "What if he doesn't find anything and we're back at square one?"

I take that back. I take it all back.

Chad McGee and his wife Lauren (both vets, and both super cool) showed up on time and ready to get down to business. They are a very capable team who work in tandem with one another. If one was working with Image, the other would be explaining things to me. I thoroughly appreciated having someone to ask questions to while the other was performing the test.

They took a short background on him, and then wanted to see him move. As we were walking towards the the dirt road, Chad, who had been assessing Image's hind end in the barn, warned me that he was going to walk behind us and pull Image's tail. I was facing forward, so didn't get to see much of it...only Image's very concerned face as Chad pulled to the right. Chad switched sides, and I heard Lauren's sharp "be careful!" as Image almost toppled over. That was the first indication that they had something other than general lameness on their mind.

Once we got to the dirt road (flattest and in the shade...holy hot, Batman!) and I jogged (er, huffed and puffed, rather) back and forth. Chad flexed both Image's hind legs, and the conclusion was that he is definitely lame on his right hind. Okay. Interesting. However, Chad had started rearranging Image's hind legs. I looked to Lauren, who explained that when his hind legs are crossed (literally, his right hind was pulled in front of and across his left hind), he should be going "wtf" and righting himself.

He didn't. He stood like that, legs crossed in an awkward, uncomfortable looking position, for quite some time. I kept willing him to uncross his legs. He only did because he wanted to shift more towards me...not because he was uncomfortable. Chad repeated the process on the other side, crossing his left over his right...same result. I was not liking where this was going. I looked at Lauren, who quickly explained that a neurotypical horse would have righted himself immediately because they could feel something was out of whack. If they stand like that, it's likely they're unable to feel where their legs are. Well, shit.

Chad took Image from me, and began turning him in tight circles. He was off balance and swung whatever hind leg was on the outside, in a wide arc that was not typical movement. Chad then walked Image with his head up, so Image couldn't compensate for the lack of feeling in his legs with his eyes...he was a stumbling, unbalanced mess, his legs striking out stiffly and hooves hitting the ground harshly. I had to bite back tears.

We headed back towards the barn, and I hooked Image back up on the crossties. By that point, both Chad and Lauren were more concerned about the neurological side of things. As we were talking, Chad was up near Image's face. He began poking and prodding around his nostrils, and asked me if I had noticed any decreased sensation in that area. I honestly couldn't be sure...I've only had him for six months, and he's never minded his head being fussed with.

Chad brought out pinchy-thingees (okay, they're called hemostats, but pinchy-thingee is just so much more fun to say!) and began testing his reaction around his muzzle area. Chad was NOT being gentle, and Image wasn't even flinching. Hell, there were marks on my horse's nose, so it's not like Chad was pussyfooting around. Chad tested all over his face and head and down his neck...and finally got an appropriate reaction behind Image's shoulder.

By this point, I had already decided to pull an EPM test, which was the vet's suggestion. Neither of them really wanted to go into other possible diagnoses, as there could be hundreds. EPM is possible, but neither of them wanted to say for certain without a concrete diagnosis in front of them. I understand that completely and I appreciate them not bullshitting me.

I was watching Chad test Image's reaction on his off side, when I noticed his tongue was sticking out a bit. I pointed it out, and Chad took the opportunity to pull it out of his mouth. Image didn't fight, and Chad was able to see that there were small, involuntary muscle spasms going on in his tongue. Talk about effin' weird to look at! If that wasn't disturbing, watching Image fight with himself to get his tongue back in his mouth, was. He did this on both sides and it took him about 30 seconds to get his tongue back into his mouth.

Both vets agreed that something neurological was going on, and that needed to be addressed before anything else. Chad took some blood for the test and they gave me a bit of bute to see if it helps anything. I have to pick a probiotic up from work to make sure the bute doesn't cause any further issues.

I skipped out on the rest of work (bless my supervisor, she is a sweetheart and "gets" it) and hung out at the barn the rest of the day. I made some calls and talked with some people (including D and the chiropractor, who is still coming on Wednesday...more on that in a minute). Posted on Facebook and got an outpouring of support.

If it is EPM, there is still a chance he will not be neurologically capable of handling a rider. However, that doesn't mean I'm not going to try. I will treat him and hope that, against all odds, we'll make it out the other side, and I can try and fix his hind leg soundness issues. If I treat it and he is still neurologically unsound, I will make a decision then. If the vet thinks his neurological state will stay stable, I will see if B will take him back. If, for whatever reason, she can't (and I say "can't" and not "won't", because I don't think that B would turn him away unless she had no choice), or the vet says that his neurological condition can still worsen, I will put him down.

If it isn't EPM...well, I'm up a creek without a paddle. I will be back to square one, and tests from here on out are going to be invasive and expensive. I won't do that to him, and honestly, I can't afford it. I love him more than life itself at this point, but if he is neurologically unsound without a curable reason, he is just going to worsen. I've born witness to horses that are neurologically unsound, and it is dangerous and scary. Someone will get hurt -- be it Image, myself, or someone else handling him -- and I won't have that. His body functions will deteriorate, but his mind won't...he will be scared, in pain, and unable to control his body. I won't have that. He could go back to B's, but I'm not sure I could be comfortable knowing that his condition could deteriorate rapidly, to the point where he injures B, her husband, or himself. It's likely that I will give him a week or so of total spoiling (and, hopefully, a session with a photographer friend so I have pictures of the two of us), and put him down while he is still relatively pain free and happy.

Could it potentially be something else? Maybe. Could that something else be fixable? Maybe. However, after what I saw today...? Even without having much experience with vet issues...what I saw today was Bad News. I was scared a few times that my horse was going to hit the ground. I don't know that I'll ever be comfortable getting on his back, and that's something I need to seriously think about right now.

This could very well all change if something different crops up in the next few days. The chiro, Anna, is still coming on Wednesday. I called her this afternoon to let her know, and she, with a bit of surprise in her voice, said that she had just finished a four day seminar on neurological chiropractic work. Intrigued by the potential diagnosis, she offered to come take a look at him and see if she could help in any way. So, she will be coming on Wednesday afternoon to talk and explain to me what she's learned, and go from there.

So. That's the update. Holding steady for now to see what happens next. I hate, hate, hate to say this, but I am not feeling good about any of this. It's going to boil down to what's best for the horse in the long run -- even if it's heartbreaking for me. He deserves only the best, and sometimes the best is not any fun at all.

I'm going to go finish my drink and curl up in bed. Tomorrow is another day.

Oof

Yeah. That's kind of how I'm feeling right now. Just..."oof". Lots of things going on, lots of things to think about!

So, with the lameness workup looming in our immediate future, I've decided to work Image as if he was not lame in any way, shape or form. I've taken him off the CortaFlx for now so when Dr. McGee comes on Monday, we've got the full effect of whatever the hell is going on back there.

So, with my plan firmly in place, I was all set and ready to go to the barn and ground drive him on Monday afternoon. I left work and it was sprinkling a little. Oh well, no big deal. It's warm enough out where it wasn't going to bother me.

...except, when I got to the barn, we were in the throes of a full fledged thunder storm.

Eff.

I darted into the barn, drenched from the 30 second sprint across the grounds. Image was smart and was stashed away in one of the sheds, and all I could see was his tail. I took a minute to chat with L, before booking it out to the paddock. With all the rain we've gotten, the middle paddock was mud soup. I sunk nearly to the top of my muck boots. Squishing and sloshing across the mud was super fun. Image peered at me skeptically from underneath the shed: "You're sadly mistaken if you think I'm coming out of here."

Well, cookies and snuggles overrode his desire to be dry. We jogged back into the barn, where I stared forlornly at the ring. No ground driving for us, I guess.

Instead, I threw his bridle on with the Herm Sprenger d ring, which he seems to prefer over the thinner Myler d ring. I really wanted to work on his reaction to the bit -- he really, really is not thrilled with anyone being "in" his mouth, so to speak. So, I spent about thirty minutes flexing him back and forth in the bridle. He learned VERY quickly that if I pick up a rein and he softens his face, there's no more pressure! Ta-da! Now, I've been flexing him side to side in the halter and bridle for quite some time, but now it was working on finessing the response.

From there, I started asking, from the ground, for him to drop his nose when he has equal pressure on both reins. This was a little tougher for him. His immediately response when there's any sort of pressure on his mouth, is to throw his head up. If throwing his head up doesn't immediately resolve this issue, he will sometimes pop up in front. Yeah, that ain't gonna fly. So, I figured fixing this response on the ground first was the way to go.

It didn't take him long to figure it out. With gentle pressure on both reins, he was beginning to soften his jaw, drop his nose, and flex at the poll. Good, good critter! I ended it on a good note and shared half a bag of baby carrots with him. He loves his horse cookies, but he begs so hard for the baby carrots that he practically turns himself inside out. The only other thing he begs that hard for is my Nature's Valley crunchy granola bars! Mooch!!

Handsome critter! 

Yesterday I made a last minute decision to hike down to the river with him. L and fellow boarder R made the last minute decision to come with. We were a very interesting group...R on her quarter horse, Foxy, me walking Image, and Lwith her pointer/cattle dog cross running about between all of us...and Annie the goat. Yup, Annie the goat came with us! It was a good half hour hike down to the river, and it was mostly uneventful. L and R went off up ahead...L likes to jog and R and Foxy were toodling along at a nice trot. Image and I were a bit behind...sorry, buddy, but your mother is a liiiittttllee out of shape!

R and Foxy, L and Annie, and Angel in front of L!

When we got to the river, he didn't hesitate to plunge into the water. The river had a slightly stronger current than the last time I was there, but nothing that was unsafe. Image playfully splashed in the water, blowing bubbles and pawing hard enough to send cascades of water over my head. L and Annie the goat splashed around on the bank, and R and Foxy went to the deep end to play.

It was shortly after this that the combined commotion from the various parties got the little black horse a little more revved up than I've seen him on the ground. He stood at attention and danced excitedly in the water.  When we went to shuffle out of the water, he tried to barrel past me. I moved to get out of his way (and preparing to reprimand the crap out of him for even THINKING that this sort of thing was okay), and, ungracefully, slid in the mud. Shit.

I went down practically underneath him, and my honest but goofy critter threw his legs in odd directions to avoid stepping on me as he bounced up the bank. I sat on the ground and he stood, legs splayed and not moving a muscle. I carefully handed L the lead line before struggling upright.

Needless to say, we had words. He was high as a kite and spent a few minutes doing very impressive flying pace circles around me. Once he asked to stop, I pushed him forward a little more, and then allowed him to stop. This continued for about five minutes. L and R were getting eaten alive, so I waved them off while I dealt with my overexcited, thousand pound critter.

Oddly enough, the second the rest of the crew was out of eyesight...he snorted a blustery sigh, dropped his head into my chest for a moment, and then began searching the ground for tasty things to eat. The crazy look in his eye disappeared and he was back to his usual, level headed self. Goofball. I usually do these treks alone, so in hindsight, it doesn't really shock me that he was practically levitating, with the added noise and commotion. Just add that to the list of things to work on, because group trail riding is hopefully in our future!

We waded back into the water so I could try and get the rest of the mud off of me. He was a perfect gentleman, including standing stock still when I told him to "whoa" so I could get out of the water first.

Our walk back was entirely uneventful, with him walking energetically by my side. The mosquitos were vicious, and I'm sporting the proof of that today. Must. Not. Itch!!

Today was a break for all parties (I am so happy to be sitting on the couch at 8 PM and not driving home from the other side of the state!). Tomorrow I will be headed back to NH to house sit, and only mere minutes from the critter. Hopefully, I will be able to trailer Image off site and work with him in a real round pen...and stuff him in my friend's front paddock in the late afternoon so I can get some fabulous, end of the day light pictures in a very pretty, grass filled front pasture.

Then, Monday is our lameness workup. I am scared and excited, all at the same time. I am hoping, praying, and begging for the best outcome possible...hell, I even made a leap of faith and purchase as lower end but function Australian saddle for the two of us to try out with the idea that we will be working on his under saddle issues in the next month. I'm hoping optimism works in my favor.

We shall see!

Lameness Workup

Lots to say and update on, but my life is ca-raaaazy right now, with house sitting and work and other various things. One thing I did want to put down is to let it be known that on Monday the 24th at noon, Dr. Chad McGee of McGee Equine will be headed over to eval Image.

So.

Here we go! I will have more to say this weekend when I'm settled in at my next house sitting location and have a minute to breathe!

In the meantime, here's a cute video:

Almost Wordless

The herd of Corgis I'm currently watching gets up at the crack o' dawn, so you get this picture of my gorgeous critter showing off his fancy bridle for now.

Friday Fun

I'm a mean pony mama.

I do things like confuse my horse entirely by plunking a mounting block behind my (very patient, very tolerant, very kind) horse to take pictures of his back for a saddle fitter...and then hugging his bum 'cause every inch of him is huggable! This was the look I got:

"What the actual hell are you doing?!"

Then today, after begging off of work early, I scraped the mud off him that he so kindly caked on himself after yesterday's monsoon, and then did this:

I shouldn't ever be allowed within 50 feet of a bottle of Twinkle Glitter.

Tomorrow, provided the stars align correctly, my friend L is going to come pick us up and drive us a whole five miles to her farm. I'm curious to see if he moves better in a larger round pen with decent footing. Since he last chiropractic appointment, I've noticed his stride has improved greatly. I haven't pushed him much as we don't have a fence arena or a round pen big enough for him to be comfortable in right now, so tomorrow will be interesting.

I may also re-glitter him and take more pictures.

Mwahahaha!

Sidenotes

Image has learned how to ground tie and won't move a hoof if I tell him to stand:

Such a good critter!

I, unfortunately, didn't get to see the little black horse this weekend. I was busy getting glitter bombed by a beautiful woman at the 2013 Boston LGBT Pride parade:

I was also busy getting sunburned. Ow.

And putting my camera through its paces on my first official outside shoot of 2013:

Dear friend, first outside client ever, and all around awesome person R and her very own little black horse, Argus!

Intensely busy week ahead...seeing the critter tomorrow, followed by a visit to J and Henry the Draft Horse Beastie, and then spending the rest of the week housesitting four Corgis, two and a half horses (one is a mini!) and one mini mule! I'll be much closer to Image and able to spend my afternoons fussing with him.

...provided I'm a little less sunburned by then, that is. Ouch!

Big Guns

Yup.

Time to pull them out.

So, Image's last chiropractic appointment was both awesome and disheartening. Dr. Crane arrived in late afternoon on Monday and found his back and withers to be much improved over what she found last time. She had warned me at her first session that Image was either going to be much better, or much worse come the 2nd appointment, so she was pleased to find him much better. The only "issue" spot was the sacroiliac area on the right side -- that was relatively stuck and she had to spend some time working on it.

However, she was honest with me (after we had spent some time chatting about non-horsey related things): she felt that Image's issue in the hind end wasn't something she could correct with chiropractic work. I kind of had a gut feeling after her first appointment that this would be the case, but I decided to wait for one more appointment to make the decision to pursue a lameness workup for a traditional vet. Unfortunately, my gut feeling was right.

So, I've got feelers out to a few local vets (aka: The Big Guns) to see if they can give me a quote for a lameness workup. I expect to need x-rays, on top of whatever else needed to at least get me a solid idea of what the actual hell is going on with my silly little black horse.

I'm really, really hoping that this is going to give me a concrete answer as to what direction I need to take to either get him sound and rideable, or find a plan B if things go a different way.

Until then...here's a picture of Bellasaria HM, a GORGEOUS Hanoverian filly bred by a coworker. I spent last Saturday at the Hof Mendenhall open house and had a blast learning about all things dressage and hanging out with awesome people.

THE CUTE. IT HURTS. OMG.

Lots to Say...

...and little to no energy to say it.

Still fighting the good fight. I will write a coherent update later this week when I'm not feeling like I was run over by a (proverbial) horse.

Instead, here's a very shiny critter after his bath on Friday. He was less cranky about the whole ordeal...probably because it was a million degrees out and he's black:

Plastic bags are only scary when waved wildly above my head...and even then I only get a snort and a "wtf" face out of him!

So very happy to have a real camera back...hope to test out the video feature soon!

It's Not Hard to Make Me Happy

It's not. I swear.

Just give me a (shiny, new, going to take forever to pay back but that's okay) camera to take pictures with,

Image's perfectly kissable nose.

a horse to snuggle,

Handsome critter!

and a pony thoroughly enjoying his massage.

\

On that note, R said that he was definitely less tight in his wither area, which was encouraging to hear. He was also moving quite a bit better on Saturday when I stuffed him in the round pen to place with my new camera. He was noticeably less stiff and choppy behind. I'm at work today, but am hoping to sneak out a bit early to go up to the barn and say hello. I had grand plans to do so yesterday, but after spending most of the afternoon with K and her son (not doing anything even remotely taxing!), I shuffled home, fell asleep at 5 PM, and didn't get up again until 5 AM this morning. I guess I was a little more tired than I thought...!

Chiropractor, Tooth Fairy and Vet: The Story of a Dwindling Bank Account, Part Two

Sunday was a relatively low-key day for Image -- I rode with friends in the morning on a fabulous little Walker mare. Rose was sweet and easy to pilot, even when things like gates and scary rocks made her vibrate (seriously, that's what her spooks felt like!). After I was done galavanting around the state forests, I headed to the barn to see my little black horse. I ground drove him just a bit to get him moving, and he actually moved marginally better (at least, it seemed so from behind!). I got a good couple of quiet, relaxed laps at the walk around the ring at the end of the little ground driving session, so I called it quits there.

Monday dawned muggy and bright, which, of course, means I wore jeans instead of breeches and roasted while I was at the barn. It was a little chaotic with 10 horses that all needed shots, coggins, and their teeth done! Luckily, Image only needed his teeth done and his tear ducts flushed, thanks to B -- she had Image's spring shots done for me, which was fabulous of her. Dr. Lennon took a look at Image's runny eyes and agreed that flushing his ducts before doing anything else was the best idea. So, my little black horse got some happy juice. Within a minute or two, I had this standing next to me:

Feeeelin' sleeeeeepy!

Poor guy was easy to tranq -- he'd be one hell of a cheap date, that's for sure! Dr. Lennon flushed both tear ducts. The right one was definitely blocked, but the left one flushed easily. Hopefully that helps/clears up his runny eye issue. If not, I'm to touch base with Dr. Lennon and go from there.

Shortly after, Image had his teeth done. B had told me he had his teeth done yearly, so I honestly didn't expect anything major in there. How bad could it be after only a year?

Um, apparently, pretty bad. Poor boy! I feel like a bad pony mama. Dr. Barton was in there with power tools that made all sorts of scary noises. There were some sharp edges in there that were causing him some pain, on top of his teeth wearing unevenly, causing a wave pattern. He had given me no indication of having trouble eating anything. However, him being originally fussy with the bit could have been a sign, even though that seems to have mostly stopped, and teeth issues can influence broncing under saddle. 

Dentist work gives me the heebie jeebies...on horses or humans!

I also asked if Dr. Barton could better pinpoint his age. Without hesitation, Dr. Barton said that he was 11. I blinked. Definitely 11? Well, he mused, I'm probably not dead on, but at least between 10 and 11.

Huh. Well, okay then. So, having that bit of information, Image's birthday is officially January 26th, 2002. January 26th is his Gotcha Day, so it might as well be his birthday, too!

As Image was coming out of the tranq, I talked with Dr. Lennon about his hind end. His suggestion was to keep it up with the chiropractor for now, and if that doesn't resolve things, to call him for a lameness workup.

Sigh.

So, between the vet, dentist, and chiro, I would have thought there would have been a more concrete diagnosis and game plan. Unfortunately, I was wrong (yes, that does happen on occasion!). I am holding out hope that the chiropractor will be able to pinpoint the exact areas that are bugging him the most. 

The massage therapist is out again on Saturday. That should help some, too!

In the meantime, he's getting worked gently on the ground, mostly by hand walking and ground driving. He's being groomed within an inch of his life every time I see him, which he seems to thoroughly enjoy now. I'm sure he also thoroughly enjoys the snacks he gets when I show up...that may be contributing a bit to his willingness to meet me at the gate these days!

In other news, I bit the bullet and will be receiving a Canon 60D in the mail within the next few days. I am so excited to be back behind my camera...and no longer using my slightly craptacular cell phone camera for all of my pictures! 

Here are some pictures from said craptacular cell phone camera:

Image and Annie the goat, captured by Sarah!

Squeee adorable pony!

omnomnom graaaaassss!

This is from last month...I was sitting on the ground and he came to investigate.

Chiropractor, Tooth Fairy and Vet: The Story of a Dwindling Bank Account, Part One

Do you hear that?

That's my head, banging against the wall. Repeatedly.

Everyone has been asking about Image's hind issues, and if I have any definitive answers yet.

Short answer: no.

Long answer: Well...yeah, still no.

I don't expect any quick fixes, that's for sure... but I kind of wish I had a game plan at this point, because the "well, this is odd and we don't really know" frame of mind drives me just a little insane. I'm not great with the unknown. I am a self-diagnosed control freak. I know, I know -- things will sort themselves out, things will fall into place, it'll be fine in the end, yadda yadda. I know all of that...but damn it, it doesn't make playing this game any more fun!

The chiropractor visit on Saturday was...well, it was interesting, to say the least.

I ended up contacting the masseuse Friday evening to make sure we were all systems go for Saturday, and she brought up a good point: chiropractic work can make a horse ouchy, so let's see what Dr. Crane suggests. So, instead of getting up as the absolute asscrack of dawn (okay, it was 8, but whatever), I got to wake up at a slightly less gross hour for a weekend and just meet with Dr. Crane.

I got there maybe 15 minutes earlier than she did, and was greeted with a soft eyed, mushy pony who wanted snuggles. Not to mention, he's started meeting me at the gate as opposed to just watching me enter the paddock and letting me catch him. These little things make me a happy horsie mama. 

I cleaned him up and managed to finish just as Dr. Crane drove onto the property. Dr. Crane greeted me with a smile and a quiet, easygoing demeanor. She asked me about Image's background, and how I ended up choosing chiropractic work to try and figure things out. She let Image snuffle her hand as we chatted. She asked me if we could watch him move, and after moving him around in the makeshift round pen a bit, she agreed that he looked stiff in both directions, and had a hint of a head bob at the trot (when he trots instead of paces or racks, anyway). He carries his head to the outside going to the left and is stiff through his entire body, while he's more likely to relax into soft bend going to the right. 

I brought him back in and Dr. Crane started her assessment. It was fascinating to watch. I have shoulder and back issues myself, so watching Dr. Crane manipulate joints and put them back in their proper place made both places ache a little more than usual! She immediately pinpointed that his stiffness to the left was all over his body. She had to adjust his poll area, and immediately he was able to flex to the left better. She found that both coffin bones in his front legs were a bit out of place, which she quickly remedied. It wasn't until she hit his withers that she got a bit of a perplexed look on her face.

Basically, his withers and shoulder area are so out of whack that he should be trying to kill someone for touching him there. Her theory is that he's become so accustomed to the pain that it's just same shit, different day for him to be sore there. She still looked a bit perplexed and said that it's possible that it's just not as bad as she's feeling it to be, but her gut said otherwise.

She moved down his back and found some other "off" areas. As she was poking down his bum, she said that he was missing a piece of a bone on his left buttcheek (very technical term, buttcheek...snork!). It's likely it was broken off during some sort of accident -- if he reared and fell backwards, busted through the back of a trailer that had a butt bar up, or even if someone smacked him hard enough with a solid object back there. She had me feel it -- his left buttcheek was squishy in that area and there was a slight dent, while his right buttcheek obviously had something of substance underneath the skin and muscle.

That could very well be contributing to the hitch he has on his left hind. He showed no reaction to us poking and prodding at his bum, so it's honestly a bit hard to tell. Sigh.

Dr. Crane and I scheduled another appointment for the 3rd. She left saying that she would be thinking about Image for quite some time, as there wasn't 100% a clear answer as to what was causing his hind end stiffness. She also said that usually, her kinda-sorta-maybe cases tend to be the ones that "clear up" the fastest...so, we'll see!

After she left, I walked him out to a nearby clearing, sat in the grass, and let him munch while I read a book. After about twenty minutes, he moseyed over to where I was and stood next to me. I looked up at him., and he lowered his head to mine, resting his head in my lap. I about exploded from the cute factor and gave him lots of ear scratchies for his troubles. I adore this little black horse from the tips of his ears to the very last strand of hair on his tail.

Okay, long post is long so I must get to bed. Details on the vet and dentist tomorrow, plus Sunday's escapades.