Musings

You know, if you had told me last May that I'd be a horse owner in a year's time, I would have laughed my ass off at you. I would have given you ten thousand reasons as to why that was not going to happen, and about ten thousand more as to why I wasn't going to let it happen.

Today, I am still blown away by the fact that I own a horse (and that I've ALLOWED myself to own a horse!). MY horse buried his head in my chest and sighed happily as I scratched his ears. I rested my cheek on the top of his head and we stood like that for quite some time. I felt calm and centered for the first time all day. It was a soothing moment, and I plan to hold that in my heart for as long as I can.

It's not always so tranquil in my ineffectual little brain. There are days where I wonder if I've made a mistake, because I fear that I'm not good enough for him. There are days where I wonder if we'll ever be able to work through his issues. I worry that I'm going to cause more problems, instead of fixing the ones he's already got. I get nervous that I made the wrong decision in bringing him home...and by wrong decision, I don't mean for me, but for him, because I convince myself that he could do so much better than having me as his person.

Then, he walks around the round pen with a saddle full of toys and tarps and other things and doesn't bat an eye, or he trots a set of poles like he's done it a hundred times, or still tries to do what I ask even when he's obviously uncomfortable in the hind end (I moved him around me a little today to see how he was doing -- the answer was blatantly obvious by his short, choppy, stiff steps behind :( ). He sets himself up on the cross ties and doesn't move a muscle when he gets there, all with a point of a finger. He marches along next to me when we walk up the street, ignoring loud cars and other scary things on the road because I asked him to. He tries to do everything I ask him, even if he's unsure or confused. It sometimes takes me a bit, but even though we've still got a long way to go, he's already come so far. I've taught him things, and he's learned them. That is a huge step in the right direction.

I don't know if horses have feelings. I don't think we can tag them with human emotions, anyway. I do think they can show affection. When he comes up to me, of his own accord, and wants to be in my presence, I take that as a good sign...and I take comfort in it. He respects me without fearing me on the ground and seeks out contact. That has to mean something, right?

He's not perfect, and that's okay. He's not supposed to be perfect and I don't want him to be perfect. I have a beautiful, well mannered little horse who's had a hard time of it and needs help getting around it. His issues ARE fixable, it's just a matter of getting creative and not allowing said past to be an excuse for his behaviors. That is more than I could have ever hoped for.

Now, I just need to learn to accept the fact that I don't have to be perfect, either. For some reason, that's proving to be a much harder task ;).

Still waiting on the vet to call me back. Hopefully I will hear from them by the end of the day tomorrow. Otherwise, I will be sitting on heads on Friday morning. I, unfortunately, had to reschedule the chiropractor that I had coming out tomorrow...which actually turns out okay, because Friend L will be giving me a lesson on her little chestnut Arab that I rode last week. Lessons are good. I need as many lessons as I can get right now!